how much more
how much FUCKING MORE
am I supposed to be able to handle without snapping
why do things keep piling up?
am I ever going to fucking catch a break?
02/12 2012
01/16 2012
Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.
Josephine Hart (via woluf)
(Source: woluf, via man-over-matter)
01/10 2012
(Source: scars-kept-secret, via tacoflavored-deactivated2012042)
01/01 2012
meet a boy at new year’s party
click instantly, spend most of the night talking
make out at midnight “for science!”
make out a lot and continue to click
have him be super sensitive and nice and generally incredible about the whole trans dealio
have him say that he definitely wants this to turn into something
share a sleeping bag with him
…wake up and be told that he can’t do this right now because sexuality and it’s too hard etc. etc.
being trans is so fun I swear to god sometimes I just can’t handle how easy it makes my life
dammit
I really, really liked this boy.
12/26 2011
When you decide to die, little things begin to happen. You stop looking both ways before you cross the street, you start answering the door without asking who’s there. You don’t hold onto the railing when you go down the escalator, you don’t buckle your seat belt. You play with matches. You smoke, and breathe it in, actually praying it will make a difference. Deciding to die is actually almost nice, in a way. You stop caring. Even if you are not pro-actively looking for ways to kill yourself, you stop looking for ways to survive.
Unknown (via danseurs)
(via certainlynotfrench)
12/06 2011
(Source: chain3d-to-the-sky, via eatmeimdone)
11/08 2011
So after a long and grueling talk with my therapist I realized a few things.
First, that it’s hard for me to function in day-to-day life and that I’m truly terrified of that. And that even though I can barely function like a normal person, I can still somehow speak in front of a crowd of people with nearly no nervousness.
Also, I identified why I can barely do anything. Because I get overwhelmed so easily. I knew that part already, of course, but I couldn’t figure out why. And I just had the epiphany today while we were talking it out.
Everything, absolutely everything, is comprised of tiny steps. Something as simple and thoughtless as pouring a bowl of cereal—which, on good days, I can do—is comprised of so many things. Get bowl (if it’s in the dishwasher you have to unload some of the dishwasher make sure it’s clean open the dishwasher close it again), get the cereal, get the milk. Pour both things. Don’t get overwhelmed and need to take a break otherwise it will get soggy. Get a spoon. Eat. Pour out excess milk and/or cereal into the sink and/or garbage can, rinse bowl, open dishwasher and place in dishwasher if dirty or empty. Put spoon in the dishwasher. Close dishwasher.
Some days I get caught in the first few steps and can’t do anything at all. Some days when I need to do laundry (gather clothes, put them in hamper, take hamper downstairs maneuver stairs don’t knock anything over, bring to laundry room, separate loads, load washer, measure liquid soap, pour soap, turn on washer, close lid, wait for load to finish, open dryer, if clothes are in the dryer take them out and fold them then put load of laundry in, repeat for any other loads), I end up sitting with my hamper halfway down the stairs or a load half loaded into the washer and I crumple up and cry on the floor because I am so overwhelmed.
Because tasks pile up and I don’t have control over them. Because they are things that you have to do in order to be a functioning person. Because lists of things that need to be done whiz through my head and I can’t make them stop and I can barely get through one task per day while still remembering to eat so how can I do all of the necessary things for living on one’s own?
When I’m with people, I’m a bit better. I remember to eat. I don’t get the lists of things as badly. I can make it to the bathroom before I start shaking from an anxiety attack or crying because I’m overwhelmed. I can kind of seem like I’m functioning when other people are around but I’m not much better.
But I identified that today. So I guess it’s a start.
I’m terrified.
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